Because of you
by matash21
Summary: Willow recaps her life for the past sixty years as she feels the end draw near in a monologue style addressed to Tara.


_So, I have a lot of pent up depression inside of me (due to the end of Twillow), sorrow being the biggest part and so I share this little monologue with you.  
>This is Willow's monologue for her life, looking back she recaps her life and longing to be with Tara.<br>Enjoy. _

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><p>I stand up here every day, teetering on the edge. The place I was set to destroy the world, because of you. Because of you, I had lived a life fulfilled in a few short years because those years were spent with you. Because of you, I learned to love, to cry and to grieve like I have no other. Because of you, my heart has never been whole again, a piece of me died with you. Never again have I ever felt the love I felt for you, every relationship felt like there was a missing piece, because that relationship was not you and I, soul mates for eternity. You made me whole, a better person; you even brought me on the brink of destroying the world (quite controversial if you think about it) I felt I couldn't face the world around you.<p>

I suppose I learnt to live, numbed my body around humanity, what was left of it at any rate. I shut myself off from human emotion because mine stung with every beat of my heart. I often wondered whether I should try to fly off this cliff, one way I would be free, but I suppose I would never be free, not really. The constant memories of you cascading my mind, making me remember the painful death you endeavoured, on the other hand; remembering the happy memoires which you and I shared together, bond of a lifetime, stripped away like a band-aid, slow, tugging at the hairs and pulling, slowly, the pain lingering just a little longer. For me, the pain has never subsided; you are and always have been on the surface of my heart, your name branded there like cattle. I still love you, I always have and I always will.

My fingers gently caress the weathered letters on your headstone, feeling close to you as you lay six feet under, strapped inside a coffin, nature eating away at your flesh, all I can do, all I have ever done is cry. I talk to you sometimes, do you ever listen, I don't know whether you have good reception up there in heaven but I suppose it gives me some closure, to have hope. Hope that you are up there somewhere looking down on me, visualising my pain for how much you mean to me, even now. I long to be by your side, I cannot be happy without you here, your hand touching mine, your lips caressing mine with yours, electricity smouldering at every touch of your delicate body. I miss you. Your touch, your smell and your positive presence. I can never let you die in my memory. You always were and always have been the biggest thing in my life. Sixty years on and you are still the biggest piece of me. Sixty years is a long time to hold onto something, but not true love. I feel the days near that I will be by your side once again, to finally rejoice, to finally hold you close to me. Will you recognise me when I approach the pearly white gates? Are you even there waiting for me?

I have had a hope since I was twenty one, you were waiting for me, when the bullet penetrated your life I was ready to join you, but I didn't. I tried to be strong, to try and hold onto the last fragments of life, which at this time I feel slipping out of my grasp.

I guess they are waiting up there with you? Buffy, Xander, Giles and even Anya, the scoobies bar Dawn. Buffy passed away over five years ago, a long time to live for a slayer, the longest. I suppose there was no need for a slayer anymore when the secrets of demons and vampires were released a couple of years after your death, the world prepared and helped which meant Buffy was no longer needed, she settled down. Buffy had fallen ill when the eventually passed, she knew that death was out to get her and she embraced it when it did, she slipped away in her sleep with her children and grandchildren around her, she went peacefully. She found a man and finally settled down, starting a family and having children. She was determined to name her daughter after you, dedicating to your bravery and your work with the scoobies, Tara Maclay Lewis. I was appointed her godmother, I constantly wondered: 'What if Tara were here...' There hasn't been a day a day that a tear has not passed from these eyes, sixty long years, because of you.

Anya and Xander worked it out, they got back together and they worked it out. Anya stopped being a vengeance demon (again) and they finally got married, started a family. Anya died a year ago from the flu, it weakened her immune system and died in her sleep, Xander found out about Anya's death and died later of unknown causes, I presume a broken heart.

Giles held on strong for ninety-nine years, just one week short from his hundredth birthday, he lived in England at the time, if he held up for a week longer he would have gotten a letter from the king, congratulating him on turning one hundred, he never received his letter. That is the scoobies, just two left, Dawn and I.

Dawn, what a fighter. She grew to be a wonderful young woman and ran for mayor when she was only twenty-five; she got mayor and now her son Rupert William Summers is running for office, following his mother's footsteps. Dawn used to visit me now and again, though she is not as agile as she used to be approaching the big 8 – 0 in a few years, but soon she will be the last of a generation as I am ready to cross the journey to finally face you.

Recently I dream that I am on the top of Blind man's bluff, standing on the edge waiting to jump, to fall, to fly. To finally and long fully join you, I feel the time near, edge closer every second, the light approaches my darkened tunnel of life.

I stand to my feet and struggle into the bathroom, my arthritis hands curled up likes claws as I try to grab a flannel to moisten my hot brow. Staring at myself in the mirror I see the reflection of a stranger. Curled white hair sat stiff on the top of my head, pale wrinkled skin around my eyes, mouth and neck, an old leather purse. If I were to join you how would you ever recognise me? I wouldn't want you to see me like this, I couldn't.

I dampen my forehead and exit the bathroom sluggishly, shutting the light off and closing behind me as I leave. My bedside light dimly illuminates the room, the moon reflective through the shutters, glistening below. I crawl into bed and switch off the light and close my eye, thinking...

Because of you, I learned to love. Because of you, you made my life complete. Because of you, you made me love you... because of you, I learned to accept death and face it with open arms because I would be with you again, finally.

I open my eyes and I am standing on the edge of Blind man's bluff, staring down onto the ocean crashing on the rocks below. Something is different though, I do not feel the constant pain in my forever aching body and I am not tired like I am all of the time. I peer down at my hands, young, un-claw like, arthritis free and age free. My hair, it blows gently in the wind, locks of auburn, shoulder length. I hear someone approach me from behind but I cease to turn around.

"Are you ready?" I hear the familiar voice asks, echoing in my mind like a memory.

I reluctantly turn around and am met with the face of an angel, Tara. Her body covered in a white robe which shines super white, illuminating, radiating. Her blue eyes a deep chasm of a mystical entity of sixty years of being apart. I hold back the tears and just stare at the beauty in front of me, her blonde hair blowing gracefully against her face.

"I've been waiting for you, baby." She smiles her half smile and nervously looks at the floor. Same old Tara. "Love for eternity my strong Amazonian." She finishes.

I step forward and open my arms around her and she folds around me, the tears loosen and fall from my eyes. "I missed you so much, baby." I sob, kissing her forehead before my lips meet with her and we embrace a passionate yet gentle kiss, flooding back the memories and feelings as though I last saw her yesterday, not sixty long years ago. I stare at her in disbelief as she stares at me with her blue chasms, smiling.

"I love you." She beams at me reaching out a hand.

"I love you so much." I sob harder, as I meet her hand with my own and she wades towards the cliff edge.

"Do you trust me?" She asks staring into my soul with her eyes.

"Forever and ever, baby." I reply.

We both make way for the cliff edge and together we leap. The wind picks us up and we fly through the clouds, pearly white gates in the distance and I sigh in content. The pearly white gates become clearer as we approach, I look closer and in front of the gates I see them waiting for me: Buffy, Xander, Giles and Anya waving at me and smiling. I smile to myself. For a long time I finally feel that I am home.

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><p><em>Did you enjoy it, shed any tears... That was a main purpose, work on anyone? <em>  
><em>Please review... I like to know what people think because reviews make the world turn round, without them I feel wasted. *Sigh* Have a good day... specially to those who review. ^^ O.o and possible favourite or alert.. <em>


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